


Sam's Secret

by PigSlay



Category: iCarly
Genre: Abuse, F/M, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-20 23:43:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2447426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PigSlay/pseuds/PigSlay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With one text from Freddie, Sam and his rivalry changes into what starts out as a loving relationship. Three months into the relationship however, Freddie decides he wants to keep fighting. The only escape Sam can find from him is harming herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Signs

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own iCarly or Until We Bleed (song). This is a fic I wrote a long time ago in 2010. Originally posted on FanFiction.Net. I decided to revisit and revise it tonight because it's one of the fics I'm most proud of. Not sure whether or not I'll revisit/re-post all my old iCarly fics here (because there were a lot) but we'll see. :)
> 
> This was based off a (now deleted) YouTube video I watched called "Toxic Relationship" by MaybeSeddie (YouTuber also deleted now). The italics are the lyrics to the song that was in it (occasionally they will be bold + italics because Sam's thoughts are also in italics). So yeah, hope you enjoy.
> 
> Also warning for alcohol, but not addiction necessarily.

I have known Freddie for a while, but looking at this text from him, I’m surprised. “I got a text.”

Freddie comes out of his door and smiles. “Who’s it from?”

I almost jump. I wasn’t expecting him to be right there. “You,” I say, reading it. 

“So it is?” Freddie seems amazed I’m just seeing it now.

“You love me?” I ask. Inside my mind I’m laughing, but somehow I know he’s serious. “I love you too,” I say as I point my cell phone at him. Unfortunately though I don’t have time to dwell on this right now because I’m already late for something. “I’ve gotta go meet Carly.”

I hear him laugh as I leave. It’s not the normal ‘I hate you’ laugh though; it’s the ‘I love that girl’ laugh. I’m not sure I know how to adjust to this yet but I’m ready to find out.

Three months later…

_Lights black…_

I walk into the restaurant where he told me to meet him at. I find his table and sit down. He looks pretty angry. I raise my eyes at him. “Hi.”

_Heads bang…_

“Why are you late?” he asks, nearly yelling.

_You’re my drug…_

“I was with Carly. I told you that on the phone,” I defend myself.

_We live it…_

“What?” he walks up beside me.

_You’re drunk…_

“WHAT?!” he repeats, pushing my arm.

What was that for? All I said was that I was late because I was with Carly. Isn’t everybody late to dates sometimes? He was late to one I scheduled last week, but I didn’t get on him for it. Also it's not like I left him unaware. I had called him just a few minutes ago.

_You need it…_

He seems to read my mind, because he apologizes and holds my hand. I’m not really sure if I really believe he's sorry though. Lately he's been acting... different. I'm not sure if I like this different.

_Real love…_

“Freddie,” I say with tears in my eyes. “Why are you so mad at me?”

_I’ll give it…_

My suspicions are confirmed with his response. “Ugh, stop with the sobbing. It's so gross.” He rolls his eyes. “You know why I'm mad. Nobody’s allowed to be late to my dates!”

_So we’re bound to linger on…_

I can’t believe Freddie, my beloved Freddie, is getting on my case for just being late to a date. He wasn’t like this when we first started going out.

I just got here a few seconds ago, but he’s making me feel like I should’ve just stayed with Carly. I don’t want to have to deal with any more verbal abuse from the one who supposedly “loves” me, so I start walking out the door.

“Yeah, you better run!” Freddie yells at me. He’s not done though. He follows me with more discouraging words. “Because nobody is late for one of MY dates. If they are, they deserve nothing in life. And you better not think about breaking up, or else you’ll never find somebody better.”

I stop for a moment, and just stare at him with a dead expression. He freezes as well with the same angry expression he had a moment ago. I can’t believe he would ever say something like that to me. What happened to the boy who asked me out all those months ago, who had goodness in his heart?

I stare at him with a face that has so many meanings; sadness, anger, confusion. What has happened to him?

_**We drink the fatal drop…** _

_I remember when we used to play fight. It was never anything close to being serious though. He would smile, I’d smile back. He was always happy the moment I was there. It was the ultimate spark, everything was perfect. What went wrong?_

_**Then love until we bleed…** _

A few weeks later, we meet up again. After getting tired of listening to him yelling at me for not calling in weeks and avoiding him in the halls, I take his hand and drag him on the floor to dance. I have to be the one to save this relationship before it’s too late. It’s always the girls who are supposed to save it after all, right?

“I’m still mad at you, you know?” Freddie says while he holds my waist during the slow dance.

“I know,” I kiss him anyway. It feels just like it did on January 3rd when we had our first kiss. I don’t want the love that we’ve had for so long to fade.

After all the times we’ve kissed, all the times we’ve gone on dates together, why give it up just for a few little things that anybody could have done?

_Then fall apart in parts…_

But apparently he isn’t feeling the same way. After going back to his house that night and trying so hard to talk it out and reason with him, he’s still not listening to me. “I don’t care. There’s the door,” he points.

“I know where the door is,” I say angrily.

“Ah, well how should I know anyway,” Freddie comebacks. This whole thing just gets worse by the minute. “You are a girl, their brains rarely develop past cooking and cleaning after all.”

Before I can stop myself, I blurt out, “Yeah, how would you know, Freddie? Your brain never developed past misogyny and thinking you’re the boss of everyone else.” I can’t believe I just said that, but it’s too late now. So I leave before he has a chance to respond. “See you in school tomorrow.”

_You wasted your times…_

It’s been one day. I didn’t get any sleep last night and I've barely responded to anybody who tries to talk to me today. Even when the teachers call on me I just stare blankly at them (which, to be fair, is what I usually do, but this time it’s worse). I keep replaying everything that happened last night in my mind.

I’m in the hallway, checking my locker before I get ready for the next class. I look through my backpack, finding the things he’s touched or given to me, hoping to find some sort of escape through memories of the past. However, just when I think I’m about to find any little source of happiness, he pulls me away from my backpack.

_On my heart, you’ve burned…_

“What are you doing?!” He yells.

“Looking through my backpack!” I cry. “Is there something wrong with that?!”

He slaps me in the face. It hurts in two ways; it hurts physically, as well as mentally. He has hurt me in every way possible and yet I feel the need to stay. Why is that? I don’t know. Is he doing all of this on purpose?

_And if bridges gotta fall, then you'll fall, too…_

“What’s going on?” A familiar voice asks.

We both turn to face Carly, whose face is a look of concern. “Sam?” Worry is obvious in her voice, which almost cracks on the ‘m’.

The last time Freddie and I said anything about being together to her, I was telling her how happy I was that I had finally gotten a boyfriend, and that it was the guy I’ve secretly adored for so long. I had been pretty much jumping off the walls with happiness at her house, she was afraid I was going to fall over.

Now though, seeing me like this; she doesn’t understand. She’s probably thinking ‘why is Freddie hitting Sam? Aren’t they supposed to be dating?’ and I don’t blame her. I don’t understand what’s happening either.

I know I have to tell her everything. She’s the only person who will understand, who will be the voice of reason. I don’t want to though. Even to your best friend, it’s hard to admit you’re in an abusive relationship. Especially when you love that person more than anything in the world.


	2. Carly...

_Doors slam…_

“You better be back soon!” Freddie calls from behind me. He had tried to make it so I wouldn’t go at all. Maybe he knows I’m about to talk to Carly about him, and not in a positive light.

I close the door, not wanting to open it again. I don’t want to say one more thing to him, but at the same time I want to say everything to him. I don’t want to let him go, but at the same time I feel like I have to.

I sit down on the couch next to Carly, staring at the table. I start studying the green napkins sitting there, trying my best to avoid the inevitable; talking to Carly and admitting that this relationship with Freddie is a problem.

“What’s going on, Sam?” she asks the moment I sit down. “I saw Freddie hit you this morning, and I don’t get it. I thought you guys were so happy together.”

Yeah, no chizz Carly, of course you saw us. It wasn’t the wind watching us. Sometimes I think Carly is part of a tiny children’s show, because she says so much stuff we obviously already know. I try to get rid of these thoughts though because right now she’s the person I need most and I’m not going to get anywhere by talking bad about my best friend.

_Lights black…_

I cry into Carly’s arms. “I don’t know! Everything started out perfect, but now for some reason he’s started attacking me, both with words and fists. First he yells at me for being late for a date, then he says I’ll never find anybody else that will love me, then he gets angry because I didn’t answer a few of his calls, and I just…” I feel like a three year old for crying like this over a boy.

_You’re gone…_

“Aww… Sam,” she holds me tighter. “I haven’t seen you this upset since you were working. You have to break up with him.”

“I know,” I say, finally agreeing. “I will, I promise.” The thing about promises though is even to your best friend, they can be forgotten or broken.

I don’t know if I really will keep that promise or not. Because after all that we’ve been through, the good and the bad, why break up when somebody has made you so happy for so long? All relationships have their fights, but some of those are still together to this day.

I stay at her house a few more hours, watching mindless TV and eating spaghetti tacos to help get my mind off things. It helps for a little while, but before too long I start worrying about what Freddie’s going to do to me if I stay here much longer, so I say goodbye to Carly, giving her one last big hug. I’m going to need all the love I can get if I’m going to really do this.

As I leave her house, I realize he’s gone back to his. I wonder if he’s ripping pictures as we speak or writing a story where I die forever. Thinking these things, I realize Carly’s probably right. I need to break up with him. If I save it for any later than today though, I’ll never do it, so I close my eyes and take in a deep breath, opening up the door to his house.

_Come back, stay gone…_

His mom’s not here for once, so I walk up into his room. “Okay Freddie, I’ve had it. You’ve treated me like a slave for too long. We have to break up.” I can’t believe I’m actually doing it. I’m breaking up with the only guy to like me since Pete, the guy who I’ve been dreaming of dating for as long as I can remember.

It seems like no matter what I do, all my boyfriends end up being mean to me, or I’m mean to them. Jonah cheated on me with my best friend, or tried to, and now Freddie is abusing me physically and mentally.

You know, before we got together, I would’ve been having the time of my life right now. Insulting him, getting easy revenge, but this time is different. It isn’t the old Freddie who I played games with but was there for in the end. This is different than just messing around with each other, this is more severe.

_Stay clean…_

He’s not doing what the dating abuse videos we watched in health class said he would do though. He’s not offering to kill himself or saying, “Nobody breaks up with me”, he’s just sitting there with a suddenly sad face.

“Oh,” he looks so sad sitting there.

Suddenly, I know I can’t do it. As much as I don’t want to admit it, he’s not going to let me break up with him. Whether he uses words or tears, he’s going to always remind me I belong to him. I start to walk away anyway, doing all I can to hold back the tears and stop myself from jumping into his arms and taking back everything I just said.

_I need you to need me…_

I turn around and look at him again. The expression on his face has changed. It’s not sad anymore. His eyes are so fiery I don’t know what to think. Am I supposed to say anything else? Am I supposed to try to make things better, or go back to him again? I try to keep walking, but I can’t.

_So we’re bound to linger on…_

He grabs my arm and forces me back. “Nobody breaks up with me.”

Apparently I was wrong when I thought he was different. I put on the same dead and upset face I had before, surrendering to the fact he’s never going to let me leave. I don’t know what will happen now, but I have to find some kind of escape.

_We drink the fatal drop…_

I thought I was smarter than the people out there that tried this. I’m home alone in my room. I’ve kept this knife for a long time under my pillow. When I was a child I always thought I’d be ready to use it should a robber come into our house. Not sure what exactly they’d want to steal here, but I’ve just kept it, waiting to give it a purpose. 

Now I know its purpose. I stick it right through my arm, then without a sound, tears fall from my eyes.

This mark of blood is a mark of how I feel inside. Forgotten, betrayed, like I really don’t matter to anybody in this world. When did the sky become so red? When did I start to feel so dead? Is love supposed to feel like this? Do all people resort to things like this?

I stare at the mark I made by myself, all because of something somebody else did to me. Suddenly, I can’t hold it in anymore. I cry to myself, knowing nobody else can hear. Even if somebody else did hear, they wouldn’t care.

As I put the knife down, I see somebody at the door.

I don’t dare look up. I switch to my next form of escape. I took some of the beer bottles left over from my mom’s party last night. I start to drink them and want to gag. This is the stuff people get addicted to? This gross tasting mess? But I decide no matter how bad it tastes, it’ll be worth it once I get to that “other side” of no feelings people are always talking about.

It goes down my system, and I feel different. Nothing looks clear; everything seems like a giant magnifying glass. I have to have more of it, so I stuff 2 more down my system. That’s all I can take.

They say alcohol is supposed to kill us with time. I can’t wait until that time comes. I feel like I’m close to passing out, but then I turn around to face the door.

_Then love until we bleed…_

Look who’s here. Freddie. I should’ve expected as much. He never knocks or anything. We moved past doing such things after our one month anniversary.

He rubs his hair. “What are you doing?!”

“I’m cutting, drinking, whatever it takes!” Suddenly I feel sober again, even though I’ve had at least three drinks by now. Not a good kind of sober either. I keep crying. It feels as if an impossible amount of tears are falling down my face onto the ground where they will never be seen again. It feels like in every one of those tears is a piece of my heart, disintegrating forever.

“Whatever it takes to do what?” He points his finger at me in anger.

I can’t answer him though. It will just lead to more and more abuse. That’s the last thing I want.

“Do what?!” he repeats, angrier.

“To get away from you,” I finally say. “You were hurting me inside and out, and so I figured if this is the stuff that kills people I might as well try it out.”

“You’re the worst girlfriend ever!” he says.

With those five words, he gets into my heart more than he ever has before. After all the things he’s done to me, those five words have the worst feeling behind them, like finding out your parents are divorced after 12 years of them trying to hide it.

I feel as if my entire body is one giant glass, and he’s the one that broke it. Broke it hard on the floor into a billion pieces that will probably take a billion years to get back together. And probably by then it will have disappeared in the very bottom of a trash dump forever. “Wrong,” I struggle to get out, voice cracking. “I’m not your girlfriend.”

I grab my knife and go out the door; he tries to hold on to me, but he can’t anymore. I break free of his grasp and go to Carly’s house. I don’t want her to see this, but I don’t want to do this without seeing her one last time. I only go there long enough to say a final bye, and then leave again, running away to a deserted place outside the apartments. She’s calling after me, but I ignore her and keep running until I can’t hear her anymore. I put the knife down my chest. “Owww!” I cry, as if it will go on forever. 

It feels like bit by bit the world is ending, but really it’s just me. Everything is finally zipping apart. All the bad things, as well as all the good.

Little by little, memories flash before me. But only enough memories for everything to disappear. I try to convince myself Freddie will miss me, but I know he’s going to be happy. I try to convince myself my mom will miss me, but she’ll probably be throwing a party with Freddie on the top of the guest list. Carly might miss me, but in the end I know she’ll be happy too.

I close my eyes for the final time. As they say in all the movies, goodbye cruel world.


	3. Epilogue

“Is she okay?” Carly asks, voice cracking. After Sam’s cryptic “goodbye”, Carly had run after her and caught her lying on the grass at an abandoned place outside the apartments. Carly noticed the knife in her hands but was hoping, by some chance, there was a possibility that she could, somehow, still be alive.

Spencer frowns and it’s obvious he knows the answer but doesn’t want to say it. He turns to face the doctor.

“I’m sorry” is all the doctor says. Carly bursts into tears, not being able to believe it. Her best friend is gone. And she’s pretty sure she knows the reason why. She never would have expected Freddie of all people to actually mistreat her to the point where she thought this was the only answer. But that’s the thing about abusive relationships, isn’t it? You’re never expecting it to happen. As Spencer wraps his arms around her, she makes a promise to herself that she won’t be friends with Freddie anymore. It’s the only thing she can think of to make sure Sam’s death wasn’t in vain. As hard as it may be, she knows she has to do it.

_So we’re bound to linger on, we drink the fatal drop…_

At home, Freddie thinks of all the bad things he did to Sam. It was all his fault. He had pushed her, abused her, and mistreated her to the point where she went to the extremes. All he had wanted was for things to be like they were before they started dating, but he took it too far and pushed the boundary line between teasing and abuse a little too much. He was like a bowling ball that kept going and going and going, making all the Sam pins fall down over and over again. He hates himself for putting her through this, hates himself because now Sam is dead because of him. He wishes he could take it all back, but it’s too late now, and all he can do is live with the guilt forever.

_Then love until we bleed…_

But things weren’t all bad, Freddie reminds himself. He thinks of the laughs, the kisses, and the fun they had. She had been so nice to him, and all he was was the monster, the bully, the criminal. In that nightmare Sam had told him and Spencer about, Freddie was the monster eating her soup. But in this case, eating meant destroying and soup meant her heart.


End file.
